Don’t ask me about Surf washing powder, because I’ve been a lifelong user of Persil Automatic and Lenor, and my towels are so fluffy and my tennis shorts so white – whiter than white – and even my smile is so radiant and gleaming, that I feel absolutely no need to change my washing powder. Even, I should add, swapping one box of my existing brand for two boxes of Surf. Except they tend not to come in boxes, now, they come in sleek, aerodynamic plastic containers of liquigel, and why not, it’s a free country.

Anyway, Surf now claims to shift 99 Top Stains. They’ve been stuck at 97 for a few years, now, but what with the onward march of science, they’ve finally hit 99, which seems like the kind of number that’s worth basing an advertising campaign around. “We can hear you sighing from over here,” says their website. “I know it sounds like we’re making this stuff up, but honestly Surf really does get rid of 99 stains.”

Cola, Kid’s Glue, Colour Pencils, Banana Milkshake, Wine Gums, Felt Tip Pens, Coloured Chalk, Strawberry Milkshake, Summer Fruits Cordial, Ice Lolly, Orange Squash, Blackcurrant Cordial, Fizzy Orange, Fresh Deodorant, Face Powder, Fag Ash, Lip Pencil, Eye Pencil, Eye Shadow, Mouth Wash, Hair Gel, Tooth Paste, Mucus, General Dirt, Baby Pee, Bird Poo, Shaving Cream, Hair Wax, Egg Yolk, Baked Beans, Vegetable Soup, Mango Chutney, Marmalade, Broccoli Soup, Vinegar, Marmite/Yeast Extract, Tomato Juice, Mushroom Soup, Tomato, Beetroot, Mashed Potato, Soy Sauce, Honey, Lemon Curd, Garden Peas, Carrots, Mushy Peas, Salad Dressing (fat free), Strawberry & Blackcurrant Jam, Chicken Soup, French Vinaigrette, Spinach, Strawberry & Orange Jelly, Strawberry/Red Cherry & Black Cherry/Mint/Vanilla Ice Cream, Golden Syrup, Raspberry/Blackberry/Banna/Rhubarb Yoghurts, Squirty Whipped Cream, Peaches, Rice Pudding, Orange/Apple/Grape/Grapefruit Juice, Energy Drinks, Pina Colada, Cider, Irish Coffee Liqueur, Tea, White Wine, Whisky, Lager, Milk, Tequila Sunrise, Sherry, Alcopops, Herbal Tea, Flower Pollen, Tomato Soup, Spaghetti Rings, Tomato Ketchup, Fruit Baby food, Red Cabbage, Self-Tanning Cream, Yellow Pickle, Strawberries, Red Wine, Blood, Newspaper Print, Cappuccino, Brandy

This could be a useful cross-referencing tool for anyone who accidentally finds themselves stained over the next few weeks. If you happen to be skateboarding on a bridlepath, hit a craggy boulder and find yourself lying with your chest in a steaming pile of horse shit, consult Surf’s 99 Top Stains. Is it there? No. “Bird Poo” it can deal with, along with “Baby Pee”, but enormous fecal deposits are not guaranteed to be shifted. To be honest, this list asks many more questions than it answers. I strongly suggest that “Broccoli Soup” is not among Britain’s 99 Top Stains – especially when “puke” doesn’t even make the list. And what’s “Wine Gums” doing on there? The last time I spilt a wine gum, it bounced harmlessly onto the floor, whereupon I picked it up, dusted it down and popped it in my mouth. And as for “General Dirt”, that’s a catch-all get-out clause if ever I heard one. Surf wouldn’t want to know about the things that I class as General Dirt. I’m now off to precariously balance a tray on my head, which is laden with a Tequila Sunrise, Hair Gel, Mushy Peas, Newspaper Print, French Vinagrette and Blood. Wish me luck.