a day at the fair
| My sleep was shattered this morning by a reminder call from my sister that we were going to Spitalfields Fair.
But no. |
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Anyway, after much resistance from London transport, we finally got there, to be met with the disappointing news that we'd missed a Bangladeshi speech from the local mayor, and the promenading (no doubt with thumbs firmly tucked into armpits) of a load of pearly kings and queens. This was distressing. But there was still a lot to see. Particularly the entries to the fair. Deirdre had threatened to enter a walnut cake, but decided not to just before she left home. In retrospect she made the wrong decision; the standard of entries was so staggeringly poor that Deirdre's walnut concotion would have led her to be transported shoulder high by the assembled throng out of the marquee tent and into a waiting chariot, accompanied by chanting, singing and of course much chomping of the cake itself. Let me show you some examples. |
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 A children's entry. Cress in a pot. Need I say more? Three youngsters entered “cress in a pot”. All three, surprisingly, won prizes. The middle pot contains cress with no green colour whatsoever. I think it was competing for “best cress in a pot grown in a damp cupboard”. |
 This won first prize in “Best Chocolates” competition. By a man called Julian Latorre, who also cleaned up in another chocolatey class or other. I am told he was witnessed cavorting with a couple of fellow mincing chocolate makers after winning the first prize, prancing around the arena in a distinctly un-macho show of pride.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. |
 This was the only entry in, and won first prize in, the “handmade wooden object” category. It's supposedly a storage unit for cassettes. It can hold approximately 8 cassettes. It is lopsided, and despite the sides being scored with what look like pencil guidlines for complex mortice and tenon joints etc, it's just nailed together. It is the most appalling piece of handicraft I have ever seen. While we were pissing ourselves laughing at this item, we were chastised by the lady in charge. Which made us laugh more quietly, but somehow harder. |
 This was something that was difficult to take your eyes off. Winner in the “dressed doll” category, it appears to be a Nookie Bear in a wedding outfit. The implications for the poor child who pieced this display together are too great to contemplate properly here; I just hope that Roger De Courcey knows what's going on. |
 Lastly, here's the winning entry in the “model” competition. It's a boat. The only reason you would know it's a boat is because the two ice-cream forks that are stuck on it bear the legend “oars”. This helps us, and no doubt the able seamen who will one day sail in her, identify that these are the means of propelling the craft across the briny. |
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I suggest that next year a load of us team up and enter as many classes as possible. We'll piss it to victory. There wasn't even an entrant in the “Apple Pie” or “Peppermint Creams” category. The winner of the “Potato” category entered with BLACK potatoes! Black!! Is this any way to run a horticultural fair? they would have been better off cancelling it.
(But can I say at this point that Shoreditch City Farm, the location of the fun and frolic, is a lovely place to hang out on a Sunday. I'm not completely uncharitable.) |
The journey was made by public transport. Any of you who use London Underground regularly will be familiar with the face of this woman, who appears on some posters advertising self same London Underground. But this is the first time I've seen this poster (this particular one at Highgate tube) which hasn't featured this woman in some graffiti-defaced state. I was beginning to think that she was actually photographed sporting black rimmed glasses and a moustache that would be the envy of many a South American revolutionary. 
This won first prize in the “best face made out of fruit and vegetables” class. The cucumber mouth is, frankly, disturbing. I've resigned myself to sleepless nights after witnessing this monstrosity.