My sister wants a handsfree car kit for her mobile phone for her birthday. The model she has chosen is made by a company called Parrot, because parrots talk, don’t they, and man alive, you’ll also be talking, once you’ve installed this handy hands-free car kit.

Call me an English Language snob, but the slogan “Drive, Talk, Be!” is a bit annoying, isn’t it. I’m learning to drive at the moment – in fact, my test is on March 7th at 1.33pm, so be sure to ask me how it went if you want to see a grown man burst into tears. But my own progression through this sequence has been very much “Be, Talk, Drive!” I’d imagine it’s the same for most of you. The gap between Being and Talking is generally a matter of months, but it takes a lot longer to move from Talking to Driving. I wasn’t legally allowed to drive until I was 17, and I left it another 17 years, just to make sure I was ready.

Now, I’m sure the copywriters weren’t attempting to scale the heights of profundity with this slogan, but to insinuate that you don’t even exist until you’ve installed the Parrot Easydrive Handsfree Car Kit, pulled out into traffic and made your first call, is stretching the credibility of the product just a tad.

Drivers plug the Easydrive into the cigar lighter and start the engine. Do they mean that this is what all drivers do? I could show them at least ten who don’t. Or maybe it’s an instruction. Maybe Formula 1 races should begin with this being screamed through a megaphone on the starting grid. “DRIVERS! PLUG THE EASYDRIVE INTO THE CIGAR LIGHTER, AND START THE ENGINE! ready… DRIVE! TALK! B – Oh, they’ve already gone.”