Bread Kills!

The UK was on the threshold of panic last night, as official warnings were issued on the potential hazards of eating bread. The terror comes in the wake of the death of an elderly gentleman in Harrogate last Thursday evening, whose last meal consisted, sinisterly, of crusty rolls and jam. In a separate incident a pensioner in Plymouth died the following afternoon not two hours after consuming a number of slices from a white loaf. The Dorset Echo ran a story that evening under the headline “One Minute Bread, Next Minute Dead”, outlining a possible link between the two incidents, and by next morning thousands of fucking stupid people in the South West of England had contacted their GPs complaining of feeling “a bit funny”. As rumours spread through the country over the weekend, supermarkets were being forced to cut prices across a range of bread related products, sandwich vendors were reporting takings as “crap”, and Hovis were already laying off staff at its crumpet factory in Nantwich.

Geoff Bradley, some self-appointed spokesman for the idiotic hordes who has been appearing on television with the specific remit of making everyone shit themselves, outlined his concerns to The Poke. “Look. In the last week over 2,500 people have died in the UK. 99.4% of those people are estimated to have eaten dough based products at some time in their life. Need I say more? The evidence is clear and it’s about time the government did something about this outrageous state of affairs”, he raged brainlessly.

The Department Of Health have urged people to keep calm, but were not able to provide complete reassurance. A statement read: “We are aware of the current concerns surrounding bread. Government scientists are currently investigating, but in the meantime we are advising people not to gorge themselves stupid on naans, and to toast their bread thoroughly as an extra precaution.”