Scene: Sainsburys. A pretty woman is hovering rather obviously around a handsome, rugged man who is considering the attributes of various bunches of spring onions. For American readers, spring onions are the same as scallions, although whether they should be called scallions or spring onions doesn’t have a great deal of bearing on the story, so don’t worry about it too much. She eventually manages to squeeze into the spring onions (or scallions) section, and nervously glances at him a few times. Eventually, she catches his eye. “Hello again!” she squeaks. “Oh, hello there,” he booms, “I was just thinking about you a moment ago.” She is overcome by this, and can barely suppress squeals of delight. “Eeee! Really! Eeee! Oh! Really? Eeeee!” She was obviously taking it for granted that he was thinking about her for sexual reasons, and not because he wanted to repeatedly batter her skull with a enormous tin of black treacle. For American readers, black treacle is the same as molasses, although whether it should be called black treacle or molasses doesn’t have a great deal of bearing on the story, so don’t worry about it too much. In fact, that’s the end of the story.

Anyway, as chat-up lines go, I don’t rate “I was just thinking about you a moment ago” particularly highly, although, in this particular case, it seemed to work rather well. I can’t imagine using it myself without the person on the receiving end saying “Yes, and?” My favourite chat-up lines that I’ve either seen used by men, or used myself over the years (all failed) are below. Off the top of my head, of course, I’m sure more will occur to me later.

“I see you’re filling in a crossword.”
“Do you speak English?”
“Could you teach me how to smoke cigarettes?”
“Butterflies. How nice. I like butterflies.”
“Could I possibly borrow a pound?”
“I wonder if you could draw me a picture.”
“Would you like to get some air? No, me neither.”
“I hear that you’ve been to Saddam Hussein’s birthday party.”