[this persistently failed to get posted on Friday...]

As I just said to Jenny: oh no. Oh god, oh no. Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have split. Oh no. Oh, please god no. What's the goddamn point. Goodbye, world. Goodbye. Byeee.

*

(I'm back.)

My hallway ceiling either has dry rot, or wet rot. Dry rot is apparently worse than wet rot, but the builder assigned to have a shufty and tell me his opinion is stubbonly refusing to come and look at it. It wouldn't surprise me if he made the diagnosis from the comfort of his Parker Knoll recliner while watching “This Morning”. And of course he'll say it's dry rot, regardless, as it's a bigger, more expensive job. I, however, am firmly of the opinion that it's wet rot, because I can't afford to treat dry rot. I wonder what happens if you treat dry rot with the antidote for wet rot? You might get a completely new kind of rot. It's been a while since a new rot has been invented. This could be my chance to become famous.

*

On Question Time last night, they had a discussion about the way politicians are perceived by the public, with Barbara Follett repeating her dislike of men with facial hair, to sporadic amusement from the Shrewsbury audience. David Dimbleby decided to open the discussion to the rest of the panel. “John Thurso?” Viscount Thurso is a Lib Dem MP, with quite the most fantastically ludicrous moustache.

The audience and the panel managed to retain a respectful silence while he voiced his thoughts on the matter, but in homes around the country, people were smacking the floor and wiping the tears from their eyes, grateful for a break in the discussion about Libya. “Look at his moustache,” they were all saying. “Look. Look at it. Look how silly it is.”

*

Sitting on the tube on the way into Old Camden Town, I was quietly reading my newspaper when a large white feather suddenly landed on my jacket. I took this as a comment from fellow underground users on my persistent cowardice, so I immediately went down to Chelsea and enrolled in the Territorial Army. I get £28.32 per day.