Ex-Transport Secretary Stephen Byers has been cleared of lying to MPs, but told to apologise for telling an untruth. He didn't lie, then, he just, uh, lied. I hope to successfully use similar semantic distinctions next time I'm up in court.

I'm still stupidly busy, trying to combine a full-time job (which ends on Friday) with all the usual stuff, you know, like eating, sleeping, and playing keyboards in a spectactularly influential reformed pop band. When I saw the rehearsal schedule, which involved a series of 11-hour sessions, I laughed. I've never had a rehearsal longer than four hours, mainly because I haven't been able to afford a hire a room for longer than four hours. Fortunately, these current rehearsals tend to draw to a close after about four hours in any case in order to swiftly move to a nearby pub. When now asks me "Have you been rehearsing?" he accompanies the word "rehearsing" with a drinking motion with his right hand.

Anyway, this enjoyable routine has been playing havoc with my diet, and I'm sad to report a 1lb increase this week. I've also got 16 pubs to review for Time Out in the next fortnight. I know that it must be possible to spend time in pubs without having a drink, but honestly, what's the point? I shall reapply my weight-losing efforts this evening by dining on a brazil nut.

I've also had to postpone my driving test, which was due to take place next week – but as I haven't gripped a steering wheel since the end of December, it's probably for the best – unless reversing into a corner and, uh, perpendicular parking have suddenly become part of the test. My flat is also a complete tip, with a thin covering of crumbs over just about every horizontal service, and somehow clinging on to most of the vertical ones, too.

Newsflash: Just received a press release – Test Icicles are not, I repeat not splitting up. Sweet relief, there. Hilarious how that stuff is rushed out to the media in bold type, For Immediate Release, as if a) anyone really cares, and b) anyone had heard the rumour in the first place. I will now issue my own press release, to keep the news networks informed that:

a) I do not intend to float a space hopper down the River Ouse
b) I wish to dispel rumours that I unravelled twine on a Tuesday
c) I have never, and will never, sing "Morning Has Broken" to a quantity surveyor