I've had something of a tricky few days. The last time I was forced to take an entire week off work was just before Christmas 2000, with a surprisingly similar complaint to this one. Back then I was supposed to be urgently arranging last minute visas for Pere Ubu's tour of Australasia, but I could barely deal with the logistics of getting myself from the bedroom to the bathroom. After 4 days of misery, I rang my GP's emergency number on a Sunday evening, and was told that they would call me back. A wise doctor did so at about 3am, and witheringly informed me that if I'd taken some Imodium 4 days previously, I could have saved myself considerable unpleasantness. The next morning I got a cab to a Streatham chemist and gorged on small grey tablets. Cured! This time around, I was primed. I took Imodium immediately, but it had absolutely no effect, and I had to put up with the 4 days of misery regardless. I don't think that they do anything. They can't even spell diarrhoea. And have the bare-faced cheek to include a fun and games section on their website. I ask you. There's nothing less likely to soothe your irritated small intestine than being given the task of matching up pairs of toilets.

Lack of food severely affects your ability to talk. I had to interview a woman from OFCOM on Thursday afternoon, and after attempting to start the same sentence 5 times I ended up telling her all about my condition, so that she didn't think I was a gibbering idiot. “Don't worry,” she said. “I'll email you a PDF with all the answers.” Yesterday I was supposed to go and interview Morcheeba, and although I was feeling better, I half wished that they would just email me a PDF with all the answers. Someone heard my prayer, though – probably Morcheeba's PR – and the rendezvous was postponed.

I had a minor thrill during the week when I heard that the very first British Chutney Competition is taking place next week. This is exactly the kind of thing I enjoy writing about, speaking to fiercely competitive chutney makers and watching them go head-to-head at an awards ceremony, pouring scorn on each other's attempt to make tasty relishes. Of course, it's next Wednesday, the same night as the Free French album launch, which is annoying as I don't come up with that many ideas. Bah. Feel free to use it, any of you. It's yours.

And talking of the Free French album, it's available for pre-order at the hitBACK Shop, although as it's “garnered” no reviews and “garnered” no radio play, it will probably “garner” very few pre-orders. Still, that's rock and roll. Not everyone can garner, willy nilly.