One of the stranger things that has happened since starting this radio show was getting put in touch with a radio production company who are working on Jon Ronson’s new series on Radio 4. I was asked if I had any thoughts on 3 particular topics: Building Bridges, Waiting, and Outstaying Your Welcome. I penned a few bon mots – that’s “good words” in French – and sent them off. My thoughts on Outstaying Ones Welcome were deemed good enough to use; sadly, Mr Ronson then decided that the topic of “Friends” (i.e. chums or pals, not the TV series) would make a better topic that Oustaying Ones Welcome, and so I was unceremoniously dropped. Resonance FM, however, doesn’t have quite as strict a quality control department, as you can tell, because I’m on here.

So. Myself and a few friends ruined the summer of 1992 for an American man called Gary Beach. We were in a band called The Keatons, and had embarked on one of the first tours by an indie band behind the old Iron Curtain. We crammed ourselves into a tiny van and made our way slowly across Europe, hindered by lack of funds and a particularly annoying drummer. When we reached the shattered chemical-producing town of Usti nad Labem, we were grateful to encounter a friendly, English speaking face, belonging to a chap in one of the bands we were about to play with. “My name's Gary,” he said. “Gary Beach, although I have to say GARY BEY-AKHHH to the Czechs, otherwise they can't spell it properly.” We went on just before his band, in which he played slap-bass while wearing a bandana and dark glasses; he mistook our shrieks of laughter for good humoured support, and invited us to stay at his flat. “For as long as you like,” he said, not meaning it.

Things began badly. On the night we arrived, Mo (our “performance artist” – it was that kind of band) lagged behind for a couple of hours and eventually turned up at the flat at 2am, and couldn't find anywhere to sleep. So he kipped down by the front door. In the morning, after Gary had steadily tip-toed over all the rest of the band on his way to work, he tripped over Mo's legs and smashed his face into the back of the letter box. He consoled himself with the idea that we would be on our way, pretty soon.

But no. Sadly for him, our tour revolved entirely around the shattered chemical-producing town of Usti nad Labem, and the meagre amount of money we were earning meant that we couldn't afford hotels. So we took Gary at his word. We were there, on and off, for about 2 weeks, and we began to have a detrimental affect on his health and sanity. In total, including him, there were 8 of us in a pretty small flat. Out of sheer necessity, we stole his food, ran up his phone bill and woke him in the small hours of the morning with raucous laughter. We began to sense annoyance. One morning he walked into the kitchen, bleary eyed in his underwear, a large erection forming an impressive tent on his pants. “Man,” he wailed as he beat a hasty retreat, “I can't even walk around my flat with a hardon any more.” In another memorable incident, our annoying drummer – the kind of man who is constantly hungry – was rooting through Gary's bedroom cupboards, looking for food. He found a gigantic vibrator/dildo contraption, which he examined, and when he established that he couldn't eat it, just put it down, not bothering to hide it back in the cupboard.

One weekend in the middle of our stay Gary couldn't take any more, and packed his stuff in the car, telling us he was going to East Germany, where he no doubt found the radioactive slag heaps of Chemnitz preferable to another night with us. On his return, he was horrified to find us still there. A couple of days later, he started to get agitated because he was “giving English lessons” and needed the flat to himself. We forgot about one of these “English lessons”, and returned to the flat early one afternoon to find him in a compromising position with a young Czech girl, at which point he completely lost it. His frizzy hair shaking and his eyes bulging, he ordered us out of the flat. We never went back to Usti nad Labem.