I'm feeling extremely weary, as I found myself sitting up until about 1.45am watching live coverage of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. I found the gentle pace extremely relaxing. It was like having a lava lamp in full flow, except with more colours, beamed halfway across the planet, with Mike Read in the middle of it.

I think I was waiting for John Lydon to return from whatever he was doing in an adjoining jungle clearing, and hoping to see him deliver a menacing monologue to Jennie Bond regarding his method of preparing chicken soup, ending with the words “I do not have to explain myself to anybody, and especially the likes of you, I never have, and I never will.” Sadly he didn't show up and I was force to watch a) Diane Modahl tie 4 or 5 flapping bits of jungle fauna together and attempt to sweep the floor with it and b) Mike Read trying to get people to play Sticktionary, which is like Pictionary except the pen is replaced with a stick. They say that the pen is mightier than the stick; believe me when I say that this also very much applies in the sphere of Pictionary.

I have badly paid work mounting up. I seem to be unable to refuse any kind of work. Please don't ask me to mend your boiler in return for a ploughman's lunch – I'll only say yes. And you wouldn't want my hardship on your conscience.