I’ve been paying many visits to the local dump, or, as Wandsworth Council calls it, the civic amenity site. This is mainly down to my perennial urge to rid my flat of all unused and unwanted items that I can’t bring myself to flog on eBay. I’ve just managed to sell my old television for £40 on aforementioned website, which is quite an achievement, really, although it was bought by a Chinese bloke in Kingston with zero eBay feedback who doesn’t appear to understand exactly what it is he’s done. He may be surprised on Saturday when I force him to hand over £40 cash in exchange for an old Goodmans 20″ television set plus stand, but hey, he entered into the contract, and if he reneges, he’s going to eBay prison.

My next door neighbour, Mustafa, noticed that I was loading up the car with crap and asked if I would dump an old PC monitor for him, which I gladly agreed to, because I’m a caring neighbour, always willing to help out, provided it doesn’t mean clambering through a broken window or something. He said “OK, thank you, I’ll leave it downstairs for you.” 10 minutes later I went downstairs, picked up the monitor, and took it to the dump. When I got back home, I found Mustafa carrying a monitor down the stairs. “Uh… I’ve just taken a monitor to the dump,” I said. “Oh. Well, it wasn’t mine,” he said. Whoops. This incident is now being developed into a 12-part sitcom to be screened on Paramount Comedy Channel 2.

New Year was spent at Dicky and Jess’s flat, although actually it’s not their flat, it’s wardatyork’s, she’s in Goa investigating sewers, and they’re just flat-sitting. We had a gruelling game of Trivial Pursuit that only really finished because the same questions started coming around again, at which point everything became much easier. We then played Consequences until 3.30am or until we passed out, whichever was sooner. In the morning I called wardatyork in Goa to thank her for unwittingly hosting a party at which she was not present, and did not authorise. She was in a bamboo hut, half asleep and hot. How festive.