For three years in succession either myself or my girlfriend have succeeded in winning money on the Grand National. We’re getting more and more confident each year, which is the kind of dangerous scenario that will inevitably lead to me remortgaging my flat, joining Gamblers Anonymous, then quitting Gamblers Anonymous in search of a more hard-core organisation that can deal with my particular brand of high-risk, low-payout wagering. We bet 50 quid across 5 horses via ukbetting.com. Incredibly, 4 of those finished the course (only 9 out of 40 made it to the end) and Numbersixvalverde won at 11-1. Payout: £120. Profit: £70, to be divided equally between two. I went back to ukbetting.com to withdraw my cash, and there followed a brief celebration and exchange of IOUs. I then had to make a call to Barclaycard about another matter, during which they told me that my recent deposit into ukbetting.com had been DECLINED. Declined? How? I had the money on, I collected my winnings… Oh, misery. What could this mean? The celebration party was immediately cancelled, and its current status is still unknown. I’ll be sure to let you know when it’s resolved, as I’m sure you all want a slice of this £35 that’s currently burning a hole in my pocket.

Here’s someone called Carrie Underwood, advertising Skechers trainers, or training shoes, as they’re sometimes known. You know it’s Carrie Underwood, even if you’ve no bloody idea who Carrie Underwood is, because her name is written next to her knee. On Skechers previous advert on the London Underground, they had Christina Aguilera dressed as a cop and leaning over a shiny car; again, the reason you knew it was Christina Aguilera was because her name was written in large letters on the advert. My own opinion is that if you have to write the person’s name on the poster, you’ve probably wasted your money in hiring them. Anyway, Carrie Underwood appears to have 16 pairs of Skechers shoes, and 3.5 pairs of puppies, which works out at 7 puppies. Carrie is so cute, and the puppies are so cute, that this morning I went out and bought 7,000 pairs of Skechers. I trust you will all do the same.

I’ve no idea who Carrie Underwood is, but I’m sure even fewer people know who Allan Lamb is. He was a cricketer who was born in South Africa. He captained England on three occasions in the 1980s, losing every game. He is one of only six players to have batted on all five days of a Test match, and he has scored more Test runs than any other player who has a top score of less than 150. An illustrious record, I’m sure you’ll agree. He, nevertheless, has been chosen by the English Beef and Lamb Executive to “spearhead” their campaign to sell British Lamb, because he’s called Lamb, you see. Lamb, lamb, geddit? As a cricket fan, I saw the advert on TV and immediately went out and bought 7,000 shoulders of lamb. I trust you will all do the same.

The English Beef and Lamb Executive now plan to sponsor a show by Lamb, playing the whole of The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway by Genesis, which fans refer to affectionately as”The Lamb”, of course. Let’s buy lamb. Come on.