Searching my hard disk for something or other. For some reason I once imagined what might be heard if adults had to write stories at work called “What I Did On My Holidays”.

What I Did On My Holidays #1

“What I did on my holidays. On my holiday I went to Benidorm. This is a place in Spain where the sun is hot. The holiday was a Club 18-30 holiday. Me and my friend Steph did this because you can get drunk and kiss men. I kissed 2 men. The second man was called Steve. He was called the rep. He was funny and everybody liked him. After he kissed me he didn’t speak to me any more. Now I’m not on my holidays and I’m going to have a baby.”

What I Did On My Holidays #2

“What I did on my holidays. My girlfriend is called Katie. She is nice so we went on holiday together in my car. My car is old. Katie doesn’t like my car and she wants me to get a new one but I don’t have enough money. We went to France. My car stopped working in Paris. We were on a big road and it was rush hour. Katie had to push the car and she started to cry. When I woke up the next day she had gone, and that was the end of our holiday.”

What I Did On My Holidays #3

“What I did on my holidays. I don’t like other countries so me and my wife and my children went to a holiday camp in a place called Suffolk. Every year we go to this holiday camp. Every year we stay in the same chalet. My wife says it is boring. She is wrong. There are funny men and nice looking girls who sing and dance and I eat spam fritters and ice cream and try and forget about my horrible job. It was great and next year we will go there again.”

What I Did On My Holidays #4

“What I did on my holidays. I went to Greece because I saw Greece on the telly and that’s why I went there. I paid lots of money and when I got there men were still building my hotel. In the morning there was lots of banging and noise and everyone in the hotel was red and cross. I cut my foot when I was in in the swimming pool and had to pay lots of money at the hospital. Later I was sick in the toilet and then I got electrocuted. I want my money back because it was a bad holiday.”

What I Did On My Holidays #5

“What I did on my holidays. For my holiday I went to Thailand. This is a place a long way away. You have to get on an aeroplane to get there. After being on the aeroplane I stayed in a hotel which was in Bangkok. I had a nice time there and got a suntan. On the way home a man gave me a package which I put in my bag. But then they wouldn’t let me on the aeroplane and a man wearing rubber gloves put his finger up my bottom. Now I am in prison and don’t know what is going on.”

What I Did On My Holidays #6

“What I did on my holidays. I went on a big ship. This was called a cruise. I was on the ship for 3 weeks. It went to South America but I spent all my time on the ship. There were lots of other people like me on the ship and I didn’t have to eat strange food. I could sit in a big bath, have nice drinks, watch TV and videos and also use computers and go on the internet. I think South America is very nice because of these things. I looked forward to this holiday for 5 years. It cost me six thousand pounds.”