Anyway, here's the interview. One of those few things knocking around the archives.

(1)What was the response of critics to your first EP "Recidivistish"? We know that it was released in 1000 copies, have you thought of reissuing it with your second EP "Seven"?

"Fin de Siecle rock demons, quite loud, with a heavy pinch of irony"
"sod your Cocteau Twins hand me downs, this is what indie music is about"
"Yet another New Wave band who can’t spell radish"

......these were all quotes from the music and agricultural press at the time.

Unfortunately we left the master tapes for both records on the number 73 bus, so there are no plans to reissue them. Besides, you can find hundreds of copies of these records for 50p in second-hand shops all over Europe.

(2)Have you some demos too? What are their names, when were they recorded and what songs are there?

The first two years of Keatons existence were wasted making demos, before we realised it was incredibly easy to put them onto shiny black vinyl. And then everybody thinks you are a proper band.

(3)Why did your guitarist leave and when?

The original "five guitar" sound changed when Earl Slick decided to spend more time with David (Bowie) and so changed to tambourine, Delia (Smith) changed to cookery which was more appreciated than her old "thrash" style and Mo gradually introduced more and more air guitar so that he was, eventually, inaudible. So no-one actually left.

(4)Why did your drummer leave and when?

Ken left in 1989 - didn’t fancy going on tour
Andy left in 1990 - didn’t fancy going on tour
Warren left in 1991 - we didn’t fancy him going on tour

(5)What contacts do you have with indie-labels??

Kevin has "Kate Bush" violet-tinted nymphette glamour contacts. Rhodri prefers a more conservative semi-permeable lens. Steve, ignoring the pun, formed his own "Chewy" record label to release the first two Keatons records, and lost a lot of other people’s money.

(6)What contact do you have with John Peel - have you recorded for him? If so, when and what did he broadcast by you?

We normally make contact with John through the Brighton clairvoyant Madame Zosostra (Peel died in August 1987). Our song "Heat Struck Dense" is currently No. 5 in the spirit world chart - Bohemian Rhapsody is still No.1. But he still won’t let us do a Peel Session.

(7)Can you say something about the style of your music?

Flashy, political, and painful - rather like nailing a bouquet of flowers to the chest of Virginia Bottomley, our current Minister for Health. We like to think we play excellent pop music with a rough edge. Many other people just think we’re crap.

(8)What do you think has been your greatest success as a band.

So far, it is probably finding the lost note "K" - we now only play songs in the scale CDEFGAKC. Either that or Bruce Gilbert from Wire saying that he wanted to marry us.

(9)Where are the members of the band from? Were they in any bands before The Keatons?

To be in the Keatons you have to be born within the boundaries of Hertfordshire, a beautiful, picturesque county of England which is built around Watford. Steve used to be in the bands Exodus, Telegrapht, Drill Susan and Oslodot. Dave was in The War Effort before forming the Keatons. Stephen was in The Lords of Chaos, Realms of Dusk and Crucifixion. Rhodri played air guitar in Spam 69, and Mo cut his musical teeth in Larry and the Lilos, Cloth and The Bucket Fuckers. And the funny thing is, every single one of these bands was complete shit.

(10)Do you have any connections with clubs or fanzines?

We have many friends in Europe who are all affiliated to the Keatons Fan Club, which is called "The Recidivistishidians". Mo belongs to Totness Lawn Netball Club. There are loads of good fanzines around - it seems to be the only outlet for genuine enthusiasm about music. See "Plane Truth", "Ablaze!", "Gymnast Weekly".

(11)What do you think was your best concert in the Czech Republic?

Has to be Buchlov Castle, near Uherske Hradiste. "The Ground Shook".

(12)Who is Piers Helm (the cover designer of Seven) and what's his relation to the band?

No, no - the correct question is "What are Piers Helm?" They are small human-like fish found around piers on the south coast of England.They are luminous at night, poisonous, and shit at graphic design.

(13)The lyrics on the "Beige Album" aren't very easy to understand, what do you think?

I think this could be because you are Czech. Many of the ideas are written as newspaper headlines are written. To understand requires lateral thinking and a pathetic sense of humour.

(14)Have you any cover versions in your repertoire?

In London we sometimes do evenings of songs by other bands e.g. Wire, Bogshed, Swell Maps, but occasionally these older classics are given public performance:

"There’s A Hand Inside My Trousers And It Isn’t One Of Yours" - Larry and The Lilos
"Quork Delta Fting" - Emerson , Lake and Palmer.
"Isn’t It About Time My Baby Was About To Try And Make Things Happen?" - The Marmites
"Accounts Dracula" - Doom Yawn

(15)Is there some political orientation in the band?

"Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel...." sings Petula Clark. Bollocks. All we can say is that we are independent and the "message" will either be unfathomable to you or crystal clear. It’s up to you as much as us.

(16) Can you say something about the band line-ups in different periods?

Don’t think that we’ve ever been really awful. Well maybe we have but it’s always been interesting. Basically we exploit any unfortunate bastard who is foolish enough to get involved.

(17)Have those masks in Scene Report July '92 any relevance?

Yes, it’s our standard British press photo. As you may know, in Britain we are censored because all of the band are extremely ugly. It is enjoyable to come to Eastern Europe because we are allowed to take the masks off.

(18) Have you plans to play elsewhere in Europe or the USA?

Difficult to get to the USA, but plans include North Sea Oil rigs, Iceland and Greenland, as well as the newly-formed People’s Republic of the Isle Of Wight.

19)Have you any live recordings? Did you release anything in between "Seven" and "The Beige Album"?

We have tapes of concerts we’ve done but we don’t like to listen to them because it never sounds as good in retrospect than it did when you were actually playing. The 12"EP "Factor Alpha" came out in April 1991, and the cassette compilation "Interstellar Overdraft" followed in September 1992. Mo released 7 voles, 2 lugworms, a tapir, 492 mudskippers, 2 red blennie, a gannet and1486 gnats from his bedroom in that period.

(20) Have the members of the Keatons any side-activities?

Steve grows members of his family from his sides (budding or blebbing.)
Rhodri’s sides are concealed by his front, which goes all the way round the back.
Stephen has light sensitive nerve endings in his sides.
Kevin has no sides at all.
Dave is on the side of God (HIM)
Mo has shares in his sides up for sale.