Watching television now I see a new, highly repellent advert for a hair colouring “system” called Nutrisse featuring Davina McCall, who is supposedly on the phone to her mother. She says to her:

“Nutrisse means nourish.”

What? Nutrisse means what? It doesn't mean anything. Garnier thought it up. They're a French company, I imagine, but nutrisse isn't a French word. Is the stuff called “Nourrissez!” No, it isn't. “Nourrissez!” doesn't suggest soft, flowing tresses of shiny, managable hair, not like Nutrisse. But let's say that Nutrisse, in this parallel world of insanity, does in fact mean “nourish”. Where, then, does Garnier's phrase “Nutrisse Nourishing Masque” leave us? Floundering, that's where. Nourish Nourishing Masque? What peril, what dangers lie in store for the woman who is about to double-nourish, without even realising it? And don't even get me started on masque. You'd have thought that in this day and age we wouldn't blindly equate the use of French with sophistication. I'm going to start my own range of German hair care products, I think. And a new range of words to be added to Davina's loony lexicon.

“Bühmen means managability.”
“Leissenbeissen means sheen.”
“Zillig means dandruff.”

“Fürstzeilenkeit means hair.”