Yesterday I fancied travelling on the lovely tram that connects Wimbledon with Croydon. Jenny and I thus ended up in and around IKEA. There are innumerable furniture shops. Sofa Shack. Chair Cottage. Settee Surplus. Pouffe Parlour.

Here are 12 completely f*cking hideous pieces of furniture from, I think, DFS. We got given a free glass of Le Piat D'Or on the way in. Undrinkable. Didn't make the furniture look any better. One of these sofas costs £3,500.

Who Sits On These? They all look like Michelin Men. And I don't mean restaurant reviewers. Some of the “buzzwords” they have greeting you on the way in: Classic / Luxurious / Durable / Stylish / Useful (useful! ha!) / Comfortable / Natural / Contemporary / Valued / Sumptuous / Pleasurable – oh, it goes on. “i'd like a sumptuous, pleasurable chair, please.”

I hate buzzwords. There are similarly horrible ones stuck on the outside of Tile Magic round the corner from me. I think one of them (excuse me while I roll my eyes) is “Lifestyle”.

I have been out this evening with the lovely Rose, bemoaning (amongst other things) the lack of a community spirit in London. Certainly, if my doorbell rings I think “Who the F*CK is that” whereas if I lived in Cirencester my door probably wouldn't even be locked.

Ate food in bizarre restaurant “LMNT” in Dalston. Decor is Egyptian images / statues and Victorian porn. I think they want people to call it “Element” but all Rose could think of was “Laminate” and me “Lemon Tea”. They had thoughtfully provided two fat deafening opera singers to accompany our greedy chomping. He was pretty good. She was disgraceful.