The Northgate pub is on the corner of Northchurch Road and Southgate Road. Hence Northgate. You see what they've done? It's clever. It's like those unimaginative bands who call themselves SMAS because the group comprises Simon, Mike, Alan and Steve. And ABBA, of course. Please try harder.

Standing at the bar at The Northgate was a serious looking man in his mid 30s, nursing a pint of Adnams and considering at great length an A4 pad in front of him, which was covered in doodles and had clearly been gazed at for some time. I was standing next to him, and as he made no attempt to shield it from me, I glanced down at it. This is what it said.

WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT FIONA?

1. FIONA IS A VERY QUIET PERSON.
2. FIONA LIKES HER OWN SPACE.
3. FIONA LIKES HANDBAGS AND SHOES. ESPECIALLY SHOES.
4. FIONA DOES NOT LIKE ATTENTION.

WHAT KIND OF ATTENTION?

FULL-ON ATTENTION.

There were many more points written down – he clearly knew a lot more about Fiona than I did – but I had to retreat to my fellow drinkers to let them know what I had seen. After I'd whispered the revalations, and convinced that we were sharing a pub with a dangerous stalker, I returned to the bar, seeking more incriminating evidence. By now he had turned the page, and at the top was written

WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT SHAUN?

and then a huge list of things I couldn't see, and at the bottom:

18. SHAUN ENJOYS SEX.

I went to sit back down, and gave everyone an update. then brought my spiralling imagination to a standstill by positing that perhaps he was outlining character studies for his first novel. Judging by the poor spelling, grammar and limited vocabulary, I don't think this forthcoming book will set the publishing world alight.

I still prefer the “dangerous stalker” theory.