While unable to sleep on Thursday night, I got up at 3am, got my increasingly battered Powerbook out of my bag, turned it on, and discovered that the screen was completely knackered. Through the mass of black lines and the wildly flickering image, I could just about make out the distinctive fonts of the Macintosh operating system, but that’s not what you want from a computer, is it. If you can’t see what you’re doing, you’ve got no idea what you’re doing, and computers are mainly about, well, doing. Jenny woke up. “What are you doing?” “I’ve got no idea,” I said.

This is far from ideal. I’ve been allowed to borrow Jenny’s laptop this weekend, but I face the prospect of having to go and see a so-called Genius at the Apple Store on Tuesday, because, as above, I’ve got no idea what I’m doing. And yes, I realise that, as someone who writes a newspaper column called “Cyberclinic”, I should be able to sort out my own bloody problems. I just hope the Genius in question doesn’t suck air through his teeth before informing me that the Big End has gone, because I don’t have £1500 spare right now, or indeed ever.

Additional point of interest: by complete co-incidence I insured the self same Powerbook on Thursday afternoon for damage outside the home. £15, it cost me, for the year. Why do I feel nervous and uncertain about ringing up and making a claim? I just get the feeling that they probably won’t believe me. And because I’m nervous about making the claim, my voice will betray my uncertainty, and thus they probably won’t believe me. “You’re lying, Mr Marsden,” they will say. “I know it looks bad,” I will reply, “but really, I’m telling the truth, honestly.” This will melt the ice of their frozen hearts. “OK, Mr Marsden, have a new computer, on us, for £15,” they will say.

I’m currently in Sweden, in a village called Skanör, connected to the internet via a neighbour’s wireless network, which has the name OMGWTFBBQPWND. It’s not one of the first places you’d expect to find an L33T exclamation that one’s barbecue is ruined. Especially as the weather is gloriously sunny, and we’re about to have a barbecue.