As I was sitting quietly at home, relishing a rare four-hour gap in my hectic jetset schedule, I received a phone call asking me if I could urgently come and sit in an office for four hours to write some headlines and standfirsts for a shoe magazine. Quite why they thought I was suitable for the job I don’t know, but one thing I DO know is that I wouldn’t get paid £70 to sit at home on my arse (the best part of the body to sit on, I’ve always thought) pondering the ball-handling skills of Mexico’s midfield. So I said yes.

And here I am, and goodness me, the puns run out quickly. Brogue. Hm. “If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it”. It doesn’t work, though, does it, because then you’re suggesting that there’s no point in buying brogues if you don’t already have brogues, so it’s particularly unsuitable for a magazine which is keen on selling the whole idea of brogues. Loafers? “How Loafer Can You Go”? I mean, I don’t know. I’m scraping the barrel, here. And I’ve no idea what the names are of these flimsy, strappy shoes that posh women wear to cocktail bars. I might only write about shoes that I’m reasonably familiar with. Now, a standfirst… “Girls! Look chic and elegant this summer by slipping on this f*cking huge pair of DM’s.” Yep, looks good to me. “You’ll have the sweetest feet with this battered pair of Converse covered in dog muck.”

On the way home from rehearsals last night, I saw a woman who had clearly been out celebrating her birthday, and had received a bag as a present. She was trying to wrap the bag back up in the wrapping paper, without much luck. I suggested that she put the wrapping paper inside the bag, and carry the bag. That’s what bags are for, after all. She told me that it was her birthday, so she’d do what she liked. Fair enough. But ultimately she failed to get the bag back in the wrapping paper, so my superior intellect triumphed ince again. “My superior intellect has triumphed once again,” I said to her.

So, here’s a thing. I spent most of last year producing a rather bizarre album for a London band, Spearmint, called “Paris In A Bottle”, which is out in a few weeks time. My attention has been brought to a video on YouTube of the next-but-one single, Psycho Magnet. I’m not sure what I think of the video, to be perfectly honest, but it sounds magnificent, if I say so myself. Do have a look, if you have 4 minutes 50 seconds to spare.