Danny Baker has just asked on his show for stories about “Special Effects Gone Wrong”, which instantly brought to mind this tale, which I’ve just emailed in, being too chickensh!t to phone up.

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When I was 13, I’d just started at an senior school in Dunstable. The school was divided into three “houses”, and at the end of each year there’d be a music competition, where the houses would engage in fierce combat via the medium of entertainment, with each house putting on a 30-minute show for parents in the school hall.

It became clear during the rehearsals that my house did not have sufficient talent to cobble together a decent show. I can’t remember all the acts involved, but suffice to say the highlight was probably my own rendition of Paul McCartney’s “Pipes Of Peace” on solo piano. The sixth-former in charge, Steve, got extremely depressed, and desperately asked us what on earth we could do to spruce things up. One girl, Paula, said in a small voice that her dad “worked with lasers”, and she thought that maybe he could help. This was great news, and Steve enthusiastically asked Paula to secure her dad’s services for the evening. If we ever got depressed about the quality of the music, Steve would say “don’t worry. Remember the lasers.”

Crucially, we had no demonstration of this laser show until the day of the concert. At the dress rehearsal, we walked into the hall to find Paula’s dad, a rotund man in his early 50s, pointing a small box at the back wall, and creating a small red squiggle approximately 12 inches across. Steve couldn’t believe it. “Is THAT IT?” he wailed, before collapsing in hysterical giggles. That night, my piano rendition of “Pipes of Peace” was made to a pointless backdrop of a small red squiggle. Needless to say, we came last.

EDIT: Ah, he read it out, too. Lovely.