In a move which has sent shockwaves through the DJ fraternity, I’ve been asked to play records for 75 minutes or so at the monthly Love Your Enemies club night on Thursday. My previous forays into the world of jockeying discs have been restricted to two memorable weddings, at which I played disco records for an hour and MC’d the debacle in a rich Swansea accent, and neil_scott’s magazine launch party, where I slung 20 songs on a CD, pressed play, then went to sit down and mingle with friends while it blasted inaudibly out of a tinny speaker, drowned out by the general hubbub.

The Love Your Enemies page on MySpace reveals that the curators of the club are fond of Sandie Shaw, Go-Kart Mozart, The Long Blondes and Dexys, amongst others. My aim, therefore, should probably be to assemble some songs that would neatly slot into the middle of their club night and provide minimum distress to clubgoers. This is why my set will not consist of the following:

Derek & Clive – Having A Wank
Neil Scott – Thought for the Week: Inappropriate Behaviour
Don Henley – The Boys Of Summer
Frank Sidebottom – O Come All Ye Faithful
Ivor Cutler – Dandruff LP (all of it)
Bogshed – The Amazing Roy North Penis Band
AR Kane – Sado-Masochism Is A Must
Napalm Death – Life?
Bartok – Adagio religioso from Music for Piano & Orchestra
Atomic Bitchwax – Shit Kicker
Chas & Dave – There Ain’t No Pleasin’ You
Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band – Flash Gordon’s Ape
Kenny Loggins – Junkanoo Holiday (Fallin’ Flyin’)
Little Atoms – talking to David Aaranovitch (51:48)
Paul Young – Love Will Tear Us Apart
Rimsky Korsakov – Scheherezade
Stephen Fry – Saturday Night Fry Episode 7: Moral Panic
Swans – Time Is Money (Bastard) EP
The Chris Pirillo Show – 10th November 2005, interview with Mark Russinovich
Magma – Kohntarkosz, live in Reims 1976
Carole Bayer Sager – You’re Moving Out Today
Negativland – O.J. and his Personal Trainer kill Ron & Nicole

Thing is, after weeding that lot out, there’s not a lot left. I’m currently sitting here in some distress, wondering if, when I play “Africa” by Toto, as I inevitably will, whether the assembled throng will laugh themselves stupid at the lines

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what’s right
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti

Because there’s nothing funny at all about that. For those not particularly busy on Thursday evening, the doors of Love Your Enemies open at 7, close at midnight, and can be found attached to the building at 92 Dean Street, Soho, also known as Push Bar. £3. Bargain.