I’ve been engaged in an activity that I laughingly refer to as “home improvements”. Whether my efforts are actually improving my home is for others to judge, or it would be, if I were actually issuing invitations for people to come over, which I’m not. My flat has been in a hideous state since about 2001. You might think that six years is a long time to put up with peeling yellow wallpaper, but I really found it quite comforting. Looking at it was like getting into a warm bath, albeit a warm bath of thin, unappetising custard.

Stripping wallpaper is a vile activity which should only really be undertaken as some kind of punishment. After about 3 hours of hacking away with a metal tool that cost £9, and a steamer I bought from Wickes, I’d removed about 2 square metres of paper and turned the room into a sauna, but that special kind of sauna that’s full of peeling wallpaper and one man swearing loudly. Jenny, fearful of losing me to a heart attack, found this stuff called “Wallwik”, on the internet. One of the testimonials reads “It is not often that I am rendered speechless, however it happened this afternoon”. I scoured the internet for other strippers’ testimonials, and could only find this (NSFW), where Anne from Port Alberni wholeheartedly recommends “Lex”, who is 29, 5′11″ and has hazel eyes. “Lex is fabulous,” she says. “He has a great body and is very friendly. He made everyone feel great.”

I had no hesitation is ordering Lex, who arrived within the hour. He had a great body and was very friendly, and made me feel great. Then I bought the Wallwik stuff, which basically consists of large sheets that you soak in a solution and stick on the wall for half an hour. The paper subsequently peeled off very nicely. I wasn’t rendered speechless, but I did say “ah, that’s peeling off nicely.” It’ll still take about a week to do as we only have six sheets, but at least I don’t have to exert myself physically. Imagine that.

In the last few days I have also painted a kitchen, bought the debut album by Michael McDonald, and had a Sky + box installed for free, with a Slingbox to follow in a couple of days. I will promote these items heavily on this blog every hour for the next six weeks, in order to justify my receipt of them both.

Freecycle is hilarious, isn’t it. Excerpts from my local mailing list over the past few days:

small fishtank or fish bowl wanted if there is anyone out there wanted to get rid of there (gold)fish and tank please let me know. thank you

Anyone about to do some riling?

I have about 300, heavy, good quality bathroom riles on offer, to be collected.

And best of all:

Hello all, I’m looking for some old ladies diaries, letters, love letters, journals etc, from older generations passed, I’m looking for these items because I’d planned to copy the pages (keeping the originals safe and respected ) and decorate a peice of furniture with them, I love handwritten letters and journals in their aged state, and thought it a lovely idea to decorate a peice of furniture with the thoughts and words of a generation long since passed. Nostalgic …but ..to me…a wonderful thing.

If anyone has an old diary or bunch of handwritten letters knocking around , that’s just going to be thrown away, please please send them my way, as they would be truly respected kept safe and only copies of them would be used for decorative use. I am in Battersea and can organise my partner to collect in the evenings after work. I’d also be more than happy to email pictures of the finished peice of furniture to show what your relatives words and thoughts became. Many thanks for reading my post.

What’s the betting than in six months there’ll be a post saying “OFFERED: Piece of furniture decorated with a load of old ladies love letters, please collect urgently.”