So, my mum rang me yesterday afternoon to find out if I'd tried any of these sudoku puzzles that are slathered across the British press every day. I replied that I had better things to do with my time. Of course, I immediately went out and bought The Guardian and The Independent to have a look. Now I've become slightly addicted and have done 4 today so far. Or, at least, tried to do them. If you go wrong, you're knackered, and you don't find out until the closing stages, rendering large portions of time wasted. Of course, it's time wasted in any case. Funny though, isn't it. Put “Today: Logic Problems!” on the masthead of a broadsheet and watch readers peel away to your rivals. Give those same logic problems a Japanese name, and watch the craze begin to snowball.

I come to you today distinctly soiled by about 2 hours sleep. I believed that my partner was having a bad night's sleep, so I remained very still for several hours in order not to disturb her further, and as a result spent a lot of time staring at a white ceiling and considering what my role in life is supposed to be. The alarm went off at 7.45. I said “Well, thank god for that, eh.” She was fast asleep. Had been all along.

Don't all rush at once, but Muswell Hill has a new local healer. What's more, she's calling herself Pearl Diver. She's probably called Pearl Davies, or, more realistically, Janet Davies. Anyway, that's beside the point. She offers a quiet and sacred space in the heart of N10 where you can begin to discover the “vibrant health and joy that is you.” Interesting. Carry on, Pearl. “Starting with a sociology degree in the early 70s I have been working with myself and others and learning how we can grow far beyond any limits.” Ach, well you've lost me now, Pearl; I'm quite happy at 5'9″. Oh, hang on, she's back: “You may indeed prefer to work exclusively on the phone which is not only possible but has proved highly successful with other people.” Those who wish to benefit from Ms Diver's healing telephone manner should call 020 8372 8254. Advert (which, incidentally, is illustrated by a picture of a tiger) is now over.

I was asked to make a 10-second theme tune for a BBC4 pilot show called Grey Skies Thinking. I have done so, in my exhausted and weary state. “It should sound like a cross between Kraftwerk and John Carpenter, a bit bleak, and should have a robot on it,” was the brief, adding that I would receive no remuneration. Done.