Everybody’s talking about Kelly Clarkson, according to an advert on the London Underground. I know I bloody am. Aren’t you? Even by asking you, I’m exacerbating the problem – or I would be, were you all not already talking about Kelly Clarkson, as I know you are.

I’m talking about other things, too, though. Randy Crawford is rumoured to be revisiting her top twenty hit from 1981, “Rainy Night In Georgia”, but retitling it “Windy Night In Tooting”, after last night’s gusts which must have been, what, west veering south for a time, 5 to 8, decreasing 4 later, occasional rain, moderate or good. I wouldn’t have noticed but for the broken seal on my uPVC double glazing which makes for an irritating drone when the wind picks up. My sleep was disturbed, and I resolved to sort it out once and for all in the morning.

I rang The Window Guild, who installed the double glazing 5 years ago This Very Month. I have a 10 year guarantee, you see. Sadly they appear to have gone bust; phone lines are down and the contact page on the website has disappeared. They can probably no longer lay claim to being “one of South London’s leading Suppliers and Installers of Windows, Doors, Porches, Conservatories, Fascias, Soffits & Guttering in Britain”, and who I’m going to go to next time I need some Guttering In Britain installed is worrying me. Anyway, I rang two local double glazing repairmen. The first hummed and hahed, and then said he’d come out for a £55 call-out charge but couldn’t guarantee any results. I rang the second. A girl answered; she was possibly around the age of three. “Hello,” I said. “Hello,” she replied. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I asked her anyway. “Do you repair double glazing?” I said. “Hello,” she said. “Hello,” I replied. Now, do I ask for Daddy, I wondered. Maybe Mummy repairs the double glazing. Sheesh, I dunno. “Double glazing?” I said, not knowing what to say. “I don’t know,” said the little girl. We were at an impasse. Fortunately a nearby adult saw their 3 year old daughter talking to a strange older man on the telephone and immediately took charge of the situation. “Hello,” said a man. “Hello,” I said. “Double glaz- I mean, do you repair double glazing?” “Yes,” he said. “I had trouble getting past your receptionist,” I joked. “Yes,” he said. Anyway, his name is Colin and he’s coming round tomorrow morning, for free. Good old Colin.

My picture has been getting bigger in The Independent over the last 3 weeks, and I’m worried that they’ll have to produce a special pull-out section in a couple of months time to accomodate my hideous fat head. This week’s column is here. A couple of other marvellous bits of news caught my eye today: 1. Our very own tennis whizzkid Andy Murray thrashed the living hell out of a tennis player called Mardy Fish. 2. Major General Shaukat Sultan, spokesman for Pakistan president Pervez Musharraf, described the Danish cartoons as “like shoving pork down our throats”. I don’t want to force pork down anyone’s throat, but look at all this pork! Pork Science, Pork Store, Pork Management, Pork 101 Information, Pork Checkoff Report Contest, and even Pork Racing. For more information, call +1 800 456 PORK.