Some people get confused when they're on the phone. They're under the impression that they have to increase the volume of their voice in direct proportion to the distance between them and the person on the other end of the line. They haven't worked out that simple principles of electromagnetism have enabled ones voice to be reproduced on a handset across the other side of London – or indeed the world – and even a subtle whisper of encouragement can be communicated successfully. They prefer to think of the telephone system as an enormous tube connecting two people, down which they have to holler at ear-splitting levels in order for the sound to successfully reach the other end. If they talked in this manner while they were face to face with someone, they would be continually asked “What on earth is the matter with you?”

A recent phrase heard from such a person:

“YES, HELLO, I'VE RECEIVED A COURT SUMMONS FROM YOU FOR NON-PAYMENT OF COUNCIL TAX.”

Other phrases I would equally expect to hear from such a person:

“HELLO, IS THAT THE CLINIC? YES, I SUSPECT THAT I MAY HAVE GENITAL WARTS.”

“HELLO, REBECCA? YES, IT'S PETE. I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, BUT I'VE MET SOMEONE ELSE AND I'M LEAVING YOU.”

“HELLO? SARAH? YES, IT'S PETE. HOW ARE YOU, SIS? GOOD, GOOD. ANYWAY, I'M AFRAID MUM DIED THIS MORNING. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, MUM.”