Greg Stekelman is The Man Who Fell Asleep. He’s got a book out, which is fantastic, and to promote it he’s doing a virtual book tour of noted blogs. He couldn’t find enough noted blogs, though, so he’s come here. It’s like the touring equivalent of playing The Haunch Of Venison in Leamington Spa on World Cup Final night. We weren’t sure what to do, so I suggested an MSN Messenger chat, but he couldn’t get MSN Messenger working, so we did it yesterday afternoon using Skype’s text-chat feature instead.

The characteristic out-of-sequence exchanges you find on messenger-based chat were going to be left intact, for reasons of laziness and authenticity, but I just woke up and felt like making it all readable, so I did. The pedants among you can re-assemble the correct order by making use of the handily-retained timestamps.

Greg’s website is at www.themanwhofellasleep.com.

Chat History with Greg. Created on 2006-12-05 15:47:17.

Rhodri, 14:58:31: Hello.
Greg, 14:58:39: Careful what you say. I can probably hear you.
Rhodri, 14:58:54: God forbid we should actually accidentally SPEAK via this Skype
thing.
Greg, 14:59:02: In fact, I just switched off my music. World Party was playing
in the background and I was scared you might overhear.
Rhodri, 14:59:16: Do you know, I’ve never knowingly heard World Party.
Greg, 14:59:35: I only like one of their songs.
Rhodri, 14:59:32: Like I’ve never knowingly heard “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynrd.
Rhodri, 14:59:48: Do you like “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynrd?
Greg, 14:59:48: I always think I know Freebird, but it’s actually Sweet Home Alabama.
Rhodri, 15:00:20: One of the problems with this chat is that I’ll be making witticisms
about topics that are already rapidly scrolling up the screen.
Rhodri, 15:00:23: You will, too.
Greg, 15:00:40: Yes, this is crap. But MSN didn’t want to work.
Greg, 15:00:24: I have never heard a Led Zeppelin album. That’s my secret shame.
I only know Stairway to Heaven and two other songs.
Rhodri, 15:00:46: Is “Black Dog” one of those songs?
Rhodri, 15:01:06: “Hey there mamma, gonna make you sweat / groove or something”
Greg, 15:01:11: No. Kashmir and Whole Lotta Love.
Rhodri, 15:01:30: Ah, Kashmir. Conjuring up the bittersweet memories of the subcontinent.
Greg, 15:01:51: Yes. Although apparently, the inhabitants of Kashmir aren’t big
Led Zep fans.
Greg, 15:01:31: That’s the extent of my Led Zep knowledge. Oh, and All of My Love.
That was my sister’s wedding song.
Rhodri, 15:02:05: What was your wedding song? (I bet you say “I’m not married”.)
Greg, 15:02:39: I’m not Married. I don’t know what my wedding song would be. Maybe
a Grease Megamix.
Greg, 15:02:47: That seems to be popular at weddings.
Greg, 15:02:54: What’s your wedding song?
Rhodri, 15:02:53: I got married to a woman in 1995.
Rhodri, 15:03:01: The Kenny Process Team played at our reception.
Rhodri, 15:03:05: I paid them £20.
Rhodri, 15:03:10: I was squatting at the time.
Rhodri, 15:03:19: By which I don’t mean I was on my haunches.
Greg, 15:03:36: I’ve never squatted. I’m quite middle-class.
Greg, 15:03:52: Although I used to go to Megadog in the early 90s.
Greg, 15:03:24: I know. I read about it. It was very touching. It made me want
to write about my own heartbreak, but then I realised that my own heartbreak wasn’t
very interesting.
Rhodri, 15:03:50: How can you say that, a man who turns mundanity into eminently
readable and amusing prose?
Rhodri, 15:04:13: (don’t worry Greg, I’ll re-order everything so it makes sense,
even if it kills me, which it will)
Greg, 15:04:21: Um… well, you write very well about real life. Whereas I write
quite well about a banal fantasy life.
Greg, 15:04:31: I quite like the idea of all of this being out of order.
Greg, 15:04:47: Let them struggle! Hitler had to struggle, and it didn’t do him
any harm.
Rhodri, 15:05:07: Just a second, telephone.
Greg, 15:05:12: Ok.
Greg, 15:06:01: While Rhodri is away at the telephone, I will keep everyone amused.
First of all, I’d like to say what a nice man Rhodri is. I’ve only met him twice.
Once was at my launch party, when I was a bunch of nerves, and the second was
wandering down Oxford Street.
Rhodri, 15:05:57: I told them to fuck off. 
Rhodri, 15:06:01: My employers.
Greg, 15:06:02: Ha!
Greg, 15:06:17: That told them. You’re probably fired, but you have the moral
high ground.
Rhodri, 15:06:17: Yes, I remember the Oxford Street encounter. 
Greg, 15:06:20: Yes.
Greg, 15:06:37: I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be left alone, but I walked with
you anyway. A bit like Jesus.
Rhodri, 15:06:45: The conversation surprised me by not being embarrassing and
contrived. I quite enjoyed it.
Greg, 15:07:20: Well, it’s one of those strange web things. Despite hardly knowing
you, I have read a fair amount of your writing, so I felt like I knew you better
than I actually did.
Rhodri, 15:07:37: Anyway, listen, let’s get back to briefly discussing your writing,
because we’re only doing this because you have a bloody book out, after all.
Greg, 15:08:13: Yes. Very true. Although I hope everyone enjoys the inane banter
anyway. But fire away with questions. Time is money, etc.
Rhodri, 15:08:43: I like your banal fantasy life. It’s like a load of unrelated
short stories you haven’t bothered to flesh out properly. I admire that.
Rhodri, 15:08:57: The ability to walk away, before something is finished properly.
Greg, 15:09:35: Yes. I’d flesh them out if I could, but I don’t really know how
to. I am a big believer in the idea that you can only really write about what
you know. And what I know is my life, which isn’t really fleshed out very well.
Greg, 15:09:51: And anyway, too many short stories feel the need to resolve themselves
neatly.
Rhodri, 15:10:31: But you weren’t visited by the Albanian mafia, and Beyonce never
came round to tea.
Greg, 15:11:36: That’s very true. Beyonce has never come round to tea. She never
even replies to my emails. But little fantasy asides are easy, because they don’t
have to go anywhere, and they don’t have to have any consequences.
Rhodri, 15:10:44: And yet you make it sound as if they did.
Rhodri, 15:11:09: You’re not writing about what you know at all! You’re a master
of daydreaming.
Greg, 15:11:52: I will accept your compliments. My next business card will read
“Master of Daydreaming”.
Rhodri, 15:12:01: I can’t daydream in the slightest. I’m envious. I’m just “I
went there and did that and it made me think of that.” The idea of writing fiction
terrifies me.
Greg, 15:13:03: It terrifies me too. Proper fiction, anyway. Imagine you’re writing
a story about a private detective. Where do you start? How do you make it realistic?
What do private detectives actually do? It’s easier to just do little fantasy
pastiches that don’t go anywhere.
Rhodri, 15:12:16: (Hastering to add that I’m not changing the subject to ME, this
is still loosely about YOU.)
Greg, 15:13:32: I don’t mind talking about you. You’re in Scritti Politti, for
God’s sake.
Greg, 15:13:57: The nearest I have come to rock stardom is being namechecked on
the last Baby Bird album. Which sold about 18 copies, sadly.
Rhodri, 15:14:06: Yeah, but you, to indulge in mutual masturbation, you’ve got
a book out.
Rhodri, 15:14:11: With a nice serif font on the cover.
Rhodri, 15:14:18: And a foreword by Burchill.
Greg, 15:14:46: Yes.
Rhodri, 15:14:23: And it’s good.
Greg, 15:14:38: Whenever I think of you playing keyboards for SP, I think of the
oriental kid in School of Rock, wearing a glittery cape and looking mildly uncomfortable
playing glam rock.
Rhodri, 15:15:02: I’ve not seen School Of Rock, but Green tells me it’s great.
Rhodri, 15:15:11: Maybe that’s a hint that he wants me to wear a glittery cape.
Greg, 15:15:45: The best thing I can say about the book, and it really does please
me, is that 99% of people who have read it have really enjoyed it. All the reviews
have been good. I feel like the Velvet Underground. Selling not very much, but
launching a thousand tedious indie bands.
Greg, 15:16:00: Except I’m not as cool as Lou Reed.
Rhodri, 15:16:06: It would be great if your book did launch a thousand tedious
indie bands.
Greg, 15:16:33: I remember seeing a documentary on The Velvet Underground in the
90s, and Sterling Morrisson looked the spitting image of Alf Stewart from Home
and Away.
Rhodri, 15:16:12: Or other non-literary endeavours.
Rhodri, 15:16:19: Rock climbing.
Rhodri, 15:16:27: Clay pigeon shooting.
Rhodri, 15:16:32: You suggest an activity, now.
Greg, 15:16:59: Inactivity?
Rhodri, 15:17:03: Good one.
Rhodri, 15:17:11: Do you think Sterling Morrisson ever met Sterling Moss?
Rhodri, 15:17:26: I wouldn’t mind being a fly on the wall at THAT encounter.
Greg, 15:17:31: I doubt it. Did Sterling Moss ever meet Kate Moss?
Rhodri, 15:17:44: Did you ever meet Kate Moss?
Greg, 15:18:02: No. Although I know a girl who was her PA for about three weeks.
She didn’t enjoy the job.
Greg, 15:18:43: I haven’t met very many celebs. I have met James Dean Bradfield
of the Manic Street Preachers, who is my official pop lookalike. When he met me,
he thought he was actually looking in a mirror.
Rhodri, 15:18:42: Can I tell you something about you that irritates me? (Don’t
worry unduly.)
Greg, 15:18:49: Yes, fire away.
Rhodri, 15:19:49: You keep your blog on MySpace. This isn’t an anti-Murdoch rant,
I’m as big a fan of Fox News as the next man – it just doesn’t work properly.
I’ve been trying to leave comments for a couple of weeks, now, on a variety of
browsers. No luck.
Rhodri, 15:20:04: I keep having to sign in, and then it does nothing.
Rhodri, 15:20:11: And it’s ugly.
Rhodri, 15:20:54: I’m assuming you’re preparing a response, rather than sulking.
Greg, 15:21:06: I am not a huge fan of Myspace, although it is very addictive.
I signed up to myspace to promote the book (it has worked), and saw that there
was a blog option. But it’s a bit unwieldy, and I do get spammed by the thousand
dull indie bands that I created.
Greg, 15:21:20: Sorry. I am typing with one hand tied behind my back. It’s a Jewish
ritual.
Rhodri, 15:21:40: Do you get to swap hands at the half way point? We should be
reaching that in a couple of hours or so.
Greg, 15:21:50: Of course. We’re not monsters.
Greg, 15:21:56: So, have you never tried writing fiction?
Rhodri, 15:22:20: I probably had to write something at school. I have a faint
memory of a hedgehog-related tale.
Rhodri, 15:22:31: But that’s all it is, a faint memory.
Rhodri, 15:22:39: I don’t even remember the hedgehog’s name.
Greg, 15:23:14: What I remember about writing fiction at school is that after
a few pages, everyone would run out of energy, so the stories would end very abruptly
with “and then he woke up and it was all a dream” or “and then the hedgehog got
run over. The end.
Greg, 15:23:38: I still write a bit like that. That’s why the book is very episodic.
I get bored easily.
Rhodri, 15:24:00: Well, it’s your word count or page allowance, isn’t it. I’m
sure even such masters of fiction as Danielle Steel still reach the word limit
and then think “fuck it”, and kill everyone off.
Rhodri, 15:24:09: I wouldn’t know, I’ve never read her work.
Greg, 15:24:49: Yes. It’s true. I remember at university, if I had to write a
3000 word essay, when I hit 3000 words, I’d generally just put a full stop there,
and end the essay, even if it was the middle of a sentence.
Rhodri, 15:24:39: I’ve just had a look at your book to see if there are any hedgehogs
therein, and it doesn’t even have a bloody index.
Greg, 15:25:04: Of course it doesn’t have an index. It’s not an almanac of woodland
creatures.
Rhodri, 15:25:20: No, but that’s not a bad idea.
Greg, 15:25:45: The Rhodri Marsden Almanac of Woodland Creatures. With introduction
by Green Gartside.
Rhodri, 15:25:32: While “on tour” we discussed the possibility of a crop identification
manual.
Rhodri, 15:25:47: You know, when you look at fields as you pass, and wonder what’s
growing there.
Greg, 15:26:12: Do you know… the only Scritti Politti song I actually know is
the cover version of She’s a Woman, with Shabba Ranks.
Greg, 15:26:34: That’s shameful, isn’t it?
Rhodri, 15:26:59: It is, but it gives me the chance of telling you that there’s
a fantastic story about the recording session for that song, which I can’t tell
you on this blog.
Greg, 15:27:06: Ok. Save it for later.
Rhodri, 15:27:18: This chat is becoming a competition of who can type fastest,
isn’t it.
Greg, 15:27:56: Yes, it is a bit.
Greg, 15:27:53: Does Green keep in touch with Shabba? Does he have barbecues,
and say “Shabba, come round. Bring some sausages. See if Sizzla is free. We’re
all going to watch the football”?
Rhodri, 15:28:36: Imagine Shabba Ranks, turning up at your house, with an 8-pack
of gourmet sausages.
Rhodri, 15:28:47: Now there’s a good opening to a novel.
Greg, 15:29:14: It would be great. But you’d be on the phone to your mum and he’d
be on the line just shouting “Shabba!” every so often. It would get annoying.
Rhodri, 15:29:54: He’d also hand you a sausage every so often, and say “Shabba!”
instead of “Sausage!” as any right-minded person would.
Greg, 15:30:26: I suspect he has developed a whole language, just using the word
“Shabba” but with different intonations to represent different words.
Rhodri, 15:30:20: We’ve been doing this for half an hour, now. How long do you
think it might take people to read it?
Rhodri, 15:30:30: i.e. what’s the read time to write time ratio?
Greg, 15:30:53: I have no idea. But I think it’s quite enjoyable. We should keep
everything in. It’s like cinema verite, but without the cinema.
Greg, 15:31:05: Stop when you’re bored, or you need to do something else.
Greg, 15:31:10: I’m here all day.
Rhodri, 15:31:16: Me too.
Rhodri, 15:31:17: Jesus.
Greg, 15:31:23: Have you enjoyed touring? Where have you been?
Rhodri, 15:32:10: Los Angeles. San Francisco. Chicago. Toronto. Baltimore. Philadelphia.
New York. Boston. Sheffield. Birmingham. Manchester. Newcastle. London. Cardiff.
Dublin.
Rhodri, 15:32:17: Was that the kind of itinerary you were after?
Greg, 15:32:19: Wow.
Rhodri, 15:32:25: Are you well travelled?
Greg, 15:33:35: I have a lot of family abroad, so there are 3 or 4 cities that
I know very well, but in general, I don’t travel as much as I’d like. I would
like to travel a lot more. I’m not very portable, despite my size. But I am going
to make a real effort to see other places. Even if they are just bits of England
that I don’t know.
Rhodri, 15:34:03: I’ve never been to Wellingborough.
Rhodri, 15:34:07: Or Bungay.
Greg, 15:34:04: I don’t know most of England. When I’m abroad, people ask me what
England is like, and I feel embarassed. I can tell them what London is like, and
that’s it.
Rhodri, 15:34:33: Oh, England is brilliant. Full of terrible hotels and bizarre
rituals.
Rhodri, 15:34:47: Read Iain Aitch or Bill Bryson, and then pass off the experiences
as your own
Greg, 15:35:04: That’s a good idea. I would have to change my name to Bill Bryson,
though.
Greg, 15:34:42: I go to Berlin fairly often, because my sister lives there, and
I go to Buenos Aires every few years, as my dad lives there.
Greg, 15:35:10: Are you Welsh?
Rhodri, 15:35:28: I’m half Welsh, but you wouldn’t know.
Greg, 15:35:42: I would know. Because your name is Rhodri.
Rhodri, 15:35:43: I do a passable Swansea accent on special occasions.
Rhodri, 15:35:52: Do you do any amusing comedy accents?
Greg, 15:36:29: I am absolutely terrible at accents, but I do attempt a comedy
Nigerian accent. Mainly in my head, when I’m reading those spam emails asking
for my bank details.
Rhodri, 15:37:22: At some point, a Nigerian working in a bank will ask for your
bank details, and you’ll snigger, and they’ll be offended.
Greg, 15:38:25: I know. It’s terrible. There’s a Nigerian guy who works in the
office where I freelance. And someone asked him what the chief export of Nigeria
was, and I shouted out “Spam!”. I felt a bit bad about that. For the record, the
chief export is oil.
Rhodri, 15:38:31: Not spam.
Rhodri, 15:38:52: Are you enjoying your book tour?
Greg, 15:39:02: The virtual tour has been a bit of a nightmare to organize, but
probably not as bad as a real tour. I don’t need a rider.
Greg, 15:39:21: But I’ve been really pleased with the response, and I’m really
grateful that so many people have agreed to take part.
Greg, 15:39:38: Although most people seem a bit confused as to what they are supposed
to do.
Rhodri, 15:39:44: Yesterday you were on a noted sex expert, or sexpert’s blog.
Rhodri, 15:39:53: Or the day before yesterday, or something.
Greg, 15:40:00: Yes. The internet is 96% sex.
Greg, 15:40:16: But she asked good questions. It wasn’t all about how many orgasms
I could have in a night.
Rhodri, 15:40:18: How do you know a sexpert?
Greg, 15:40:39: She was at the launch party of the Friday Project, and we’ve kept
in touch. She’s very nice.
Rhodri, 15:40:48: (This was bound to end up with us trying to titillate each other,
wasn’t it.)
Greg, 15:40:54: (of course)
Rhodri, 15:41:28: As we’ve probably just invoked some kind of internet law, that
might be a good place to stop.
Greg, 15:41:32: What I find interesting, is that all the sex writers on the net
are women. Because women writing about sex is “emancipating” whereas blokes writing
about sex is just a bit smutty.
Rhodri, 15:41:40: No, alright, let’s keep going.
Greg, 15:41:46: We can stop soon.
Rhodri, 15:42:02: I was once put forward to be a sex columnist on Time Out.
Rhodri, 15:42:08: and then hastily withdrawn.
Greg, 15:42:10: Really? How did that happen?
Rhodri, 15:42:11: No pun intended.
Greg, 15:42:44: I’m doing an unofficial agony uncle column on my myspace blog,
but so far no-one has submitted any sexual questions.
Rhodri, 15:43:06: I can’t remember. I just have a faint memory of pitching for
it, with the encouragement of an editor on the mag, using some half baked sexual
notions based on my severely limited experience.
Rhodri, 15:43:25: They ended up getting someone to do it who had actually had
sex.
Greg, 15:43:38: I briefly worked as a sub-editor, and I used to have to sub the
sex column of a Sunday paper. It was agony. It wasn’t really about sex. It was
all about the writer’s posh friends.
Rhodri, 15:43:50: Did they ever have sex?
Greg, 15:44:05: I think so. But within a very small circle of people living in
Chelsea.
Rhodri, 15:44:26: As the sub, you could have made it seem that they had incredibly
elaborate sex.
Rhodri, 15:44:36: A position of power.
Rhodri, 15:44:42: Although you would have been sacked, I guess.
Greg, 15:44:48: Yes. Except that most of my work was removing adjectives.
Rhodri, 15:44:57: And jokes, from my experience.
Rhodri, 15:45:06: Jokes are first to go. Any kind of wit.
Rhodri, 15:45:09: Then adjectives.
Greg, 15:45:10: I had to stand there with a big net, catching adjectives from
the stream of consciousness and chucking them in the bin.
Rhodri, 15:45:13: Then nouns.
Rhodri, 15:45:17: And finally verbs.
Greg, 15:45:25: Nouns, eh? Fucking nouns.
Rhodri, 15:45:34: I’ve had it up to HERE with nouns.
Rhodri, 15:45:43: Nouns are, of course, nouns themselves.
Rhodri, 15:45:44: Fuckers.
Greg, 15:45:48: They don’t DO anything. At least verbs do something.
Rhodri, 15:46:07: Your next book should contain no nouns.
Greg, 15:46:10: That seems like a good point to end it, no?
Greg, 15:46:18: Or else you’ll be here all day.
Greg, 15:46:21: And grow to resent me.
Rhodri, 15:46:31: I wouldn’t want that.
Rhodri, 15:46:35: Goodbye, Greg.
Greg, 15:46:54: No. Goodbye, and thank you. When all is less busy, let’s meet
up in real, meatspace, life.
Rhodri, 15:47:09: Hurrah.