So look. Contrary? or contrary?

By which I mean: contr-air-ee? Or contrary?

I firmly believe that the only reason that people say contr-air-ee is because of the nursery rhyme “Mary, Mary, quite contrary“. I believe that prior to this rhyme being written, good, honest people said contrary, and on hearing the new pronounciation, pissed themselves laughing and refused point blank to pass it down to their children. Of course, over the years, we become inured to this kind of thing, and now it seems normal. One day, mark my words, one day, people will listen to James Dean Bradfield singing “Motorcycle Emptiness” and not smack the floor in hilarity at the misplaced stresses on the syllables. Same kind of thing.

Anyway, the only person we can really lay the blame on is Mary herself. If Gary (or more likely, Barry) had been contrary, it would have made the rhyme a bit more acceptable. Although whether has crystal bells and cockle shells in his garden, I may never know.

Where was I?

Shopping channels never fail to entertain. The closing moments of Wedneday were spent hooting with derision at Thane Direct, who were flogging some dubious cookware called “Bastille”. Quite why they had chosen to relate their range of pots and pans to the downfall of the French monarchy, I've no idea. Maybe they see themselves as giving the power of cookery back to The People, and away from, uh, The Queen. Anyway.I particularly enjoy these programmes when they begin “Welcome to the show!” when of course they mean “Welcome to the extended ad!” They had chosen a South African woman with a particularly earthy accent to extol the virtues of these pans, and forgive me, but all I can think of under such provocation is PW Botha and segregated beaches.

The point of these pans is that you don't need water to boil things, and you don't need oil to fry things. The mantra of the programme became “in its OWN moisture”. Vegetables was cooked to perfection – in their own moisture. The juicy steak browned on the outside, but successfully kept in its own moisture. The woman went on about it for 20 minutes non-stop, ALSO managing to keep her own moisture locked away. Clever girl. The four hired women playing the part of interested housewives observing this cookery revolution should receive notable mentions. When they watched carrots being put in a dry pan on the stove, they shook their heads, “oh no… no! – a bouncing bomb, you say? No, it'll never work!” And then when glorious, almost luminous carrots were produced for them to nibble at after 7 minutes or so, they looked at each other with hilarious gestures of disbelief.

Priceless stuff. Watch Thane Direct today. Who needs Graham Norton?