Last night lugged a few boxes up the stairs of my block in his bid – certain to succeed, provided that he comes up with the rent – to become the 16th person I've lived with since fled the parental nest in 1989. As a valuable summing up exercise, here are their details in a valuable cut-out'n'keep 2-part series.

Cath & Rob (Sep 1990 – Jun 1991)

We lived in a flat just off Ladbroke Grove and each paid the princely sum of £35 a week. These days you can't find a space for a sleeping bag under the Westway for that kind of money. Cath and Rob were a couple and had the big room, which was gigantic. I wasn't a couple and thus had the smaller room, which was still pretty gigantic. Our bathroom was a miniscule corridor with damp problems and a toilet at one end. At the other end, partially knocked through into the kitchen, was a shower. I didn't use it much as I seemed to enjoy being smelly. Rob was a strong, silent type whose fanaticism of real ale almost matched his enthusiasm for rugby. Cath once caught me playing air guitar in my room. She now plays piano in The Free French.

Neil & Clive (Jun 1991 – Jun 1992)

A mismatch if ever there was one. Neil was a committed vegetarian clarinetist who I used to go to school with. Clive was a budding rock journalist who had flukily landed a job at a major music publishing company purely on the strength of doing the letters page on Lime Lizard magazine. Neil had issues with Clive. I had issues with Clive. He used to make a sandwich in the kitchen and bring it in to the living room on a tray, along with a small vase with a flower in it. He used to use words like “bathos” without knowing what they meant. He once invited an Irish band, Rollerskate Skinny, to stay in our flat for a night or two. They were there for 2 weeks. Then he started going out with a girl. She dumped him. I got home to find the needle stuck in the runout groove of “She Makes Me Ill” by the Whipping Boy and the volume turned up to maximum. He returned home later to tell me that he'd been done by the police for going through 3 successive red lights. I got home one night to find circus troupe Archaos and about 3 dozen of Clive's friends wandering in and out of my room, and ended up having to shout at them. Clive used to persistently taunt me about never doing the washing up. The last time he did it I pinned him up against some metal shutters on Tottenham Court Road and screamed at him. He never did it again.

Pete & Carmen (Sep 1992 – Apr 1993)

Pete & Carmen were a band called Scaredycat who had their own cassette label called Plankton. They used to collect toy instruments and hit them randomly with the tape running. They were nice people. I was allergic to their cat, though. Once the NYC band God Is My Co Pilot came to stay for a night, and I told Craig and Sharon that unless they were married I couldn't let them sleep together under my roof. God Co's bass player thought I was serious, which was embarrassing.

Vanessa & a blonde girl (Apr 1993 – Sep 1993)

Vanessa was my girlfriend. I can't remember the name of the blonde girl, but we had a blazing row once because I ate one of her Dairylea triangles. The blonde girl had a good joke: Our landlord was an Asian chap called Mr Sharma who owned and ran the off-license downstairs. There was another guy working in the shop who wore a turban; she used to call him Mrs Sharma.