Christina (Sep 1993 – Nov 1995)

Christina and I lived in a squatted council property on Lambeth Walk. It had a small courtyard which came equipped with dartboard, garden furniture and several gigantic marijuana plants courtesy of our next-door neighbour, hippy and all-round Tangerine Dream-obsessive, Nick. Christina had “gained entry” to the property and had stripped it of considerable amounts of mouse dung, which actually left it fairly habitable until the staircase gave way during some heavy-footed transportation of a bike, which I referred to as her “omnicycle”. Christina dreamt of dancing for a living, and I think appeared in a Pulp and a Super Furry Animals video. She directed the choreography for Spearmint's “We're Going Out” video, too, which deserved some kind of endurance award on her part. She eventually disappeared to Barcelona. We installed our own gas oven which we had found abandoned, then immediately called British Gas to fix it when it became apparent that it was deeply dangerous. They fixed it and warned us against ever again using the “bunch of cowboys” who had installed it. Cough.

Erika (Nov 1995 – July 2001)

My ex-wife. A very easygoing Hungarian woman. She enjoyed cleaning the leaves of houseplants with a toothbrush, and cooking fözelék (soup.) There were more strings to her bow that this, obviously.

Cora (Nov 2001-Dec 2001)

She went out with the son of Professionals actor Martin Shaw. I came home once to find them both sat in the living room watching The Professionals. Which was weird.

Caroline (Jan 2002-Oct 2002)

Caroline played the French horn, met a man on the internet, moved to the US, and as far as I know got married. She'd watch the Simpsons pretty much constantly, which instilled a slight phobia in me for that particular show. She liked raisin bagels.

(Dec 2002 – April 2004)

Read all about him at . Makes an excellent pasta dinner. He used to drink red wine pretty much constantly, which never really seemed to have any effect on him, but take him down the pub for a pint and he'd start falling over – or dancing, which was way more frightening.

David (May 2004 – August 2004)

Enjoys himself in his room with some nitrous oxide he picked up from somewhere or other.