My first mobile phone was manufactured by Motorola. It was a distinctly unsleek lump of black plastic which looked only slightly less ridiculous that the Nokia NGage when clamped to ones ear. Those were the days when text messages seemed like the stuff of madman's dreams; I remember the day when I received my first one – it was a bit like being on the road to Damascus, right, and then suddenly receiving your first text message.

Now I own another Motorola phone after several years as a committed Nokia enthusiast. T-Mobile informed me a couple of weeks ago that I was entitled to a £100 free upgrade, and rather than stick with the phone that I already had that was serving me perfectly well, I wandered into a shop and walked out with a brand new RAZR V3 without having to hand over any money. Almost like stealing, really, except that the guy behind the counter offered me his full support, knowing that he'll get a decent kickback from T-Mobile at having signed me up to another 12 months of extortionate call charges and GPRS rates, which I'm obviously clocking up right now in posting this execrable drivel.

Anyway. The RAZR V3 certainly has its advantages. I can charge it with a USB cable, rather than hoiking around a charger – although of course you need something with a USB port to plug the cable into, and hoiking around an Apple G5 computer would clearly be cumbersome if not dangerous, and something of a false economy. It syncs up marvellously with the address book and calendar on my Mac, and operates as a Bluetooth modem to enable me to post this execrable drivel.

So yes, there are plus points. But you know what? [Is anyone still reading this?] Switching mobile phone brands is causing a few problems, too. Yes, that's right. Text messaging, for example. For years, I've developed the enviable skill of texting friends, acquaintances and business associates at speed, and occasionally even sending the right message to the right person. But whereas Nokia have the Space character on the “0″ key, Motorola have it on the “*” key. Suddenly I'm reduced to tapping out messages with the kind of speed and precision you might associate with apple bobbing.

Also, say you're in a quiet room, and you suddenly think – hey, maybe I should turn off my annoying ringtone of the winner of the USA Sheep Auctioneer of 2001. So, you stealthily remove your phone from its holster, or your pocket, whatever, and press the button on the side to turn it to “Silent” or “Discreet”, and it makes an extremely loud beep. Useless. So you have to leave the room in order to switch your phone to silent.

I've now said more than enough about the Motorola RAZR V3 mobile phone. Oh look, I'm in France. Bonjour!