After an unpleasant episode at St George’s Hospital at the weekend where I apparently uttered the words “oh god, oh god, oh god I feel weird” before passing out, waking up, saying “oh god what’s going on” and then suffering a panic attack, I find myself feeling a bit better. I know you’re all relieved. The flood of well-wishing emails and sensitively-penned messages of sympathy were all very much appreciated, although I think the idea of organising a benefit concert at Alexandra Palace was probably going a bit too far.

I wandered up Jenny’s cul-de-sac in Muswell Hill on Saturday (no, that’s not a euphemism, she really does live in a cul-de-sac) and saw two hooded youths brandishing a towel. A weird choice of weapon, I thought. Perhaps they were planning on gently patting their victim dry until he begged for mercy and handed over his wallet. But no, they eventually used the towel to protect their hands while punching through a car window. Hearing the noise, I spun around. “We have been witnesses to a crime,” said Jenny, grandly, as she walked purposefully towards the car. The yout’ cycled off, one of them carrying a box of some kind under his arm. We rang the doorbell of the car’s owners, and they came out, surveying the mess. “Did they get anything?” I asked. “Nah,” said the driver. “There was an empty satnav box there, but the satnav is inside the house.” I’m sure the yout’ will be delighted with their empty box, and are probably still finding new and exciting ways to amuse themselves with it.

It got me thinking about size and expense. Everytime you leave an item in a parked vehicle, you perform an instant calculation of the size / expense ratio. You might reasonably decide to leave a bin liner full of old clothes in your car: it’s cumbersome to carry, and not worth a great deal. But you’d be stupid to leave the Koh-i-noor on the passenger seat, though, because it can be easily slipped into a bag and it’s really bloody expensive. You’d be even more stupid if you left the Koh-i-noor in its box, with “Koh-i-noor: The Amazing 105-carat Diamond For The Princess In Your Life” written on the outside. That kind of thing is a magnet for the casual thief in a hooded top, brandishing a towel. Just warning you.