I know I continuously moan about terrible copywriting, and I appreciate that this particular bee buzzes well clear of most peoples’ bonnets, but whenever something new and appalling hoves into view, I can’t help but vent my spleen. Last night the threshold had already been raised by the fact that I found myself drinking at a book launch with a PR for Innocent smoothies – possibly the worst offenders of the lot; even the faint memory of their revoltingly cutesy ingredients list made me extremely wary of the young lady I was talking to. Of course, she turned out to be perfectly pleasant. Also in the room, incidentally, were Frances Wheen and Nigel Slater; I didn’t talk to either of them, despite owning books by both of them. So weary and tongue-tied am I these days, that I might have mistook one for the other, attempting to engage Nigel in deeply philosophical analysis of the British political landscape, and telling Francis that I love his toad-in-the-hole.

Anyway, yes, copywriting. One of my dislikes is the slogan followed by a question mark. If you’re going to have a slogan, at least state a fact, or make some kind of statement. Even if it is “Up to 85% more radiant!” Certainly don’t try and engage us in conversation – I mean, you’re a poster, or a leaflet, or a flyer, or a shop window, so any reply you might get out of us is going to fall on deaf ears. I’ve not had the opportunity to research this extensively, but the offenders generally come from the world of technology, and the phrases are along the lines of “Where would you like to go today?” or “What would you like to do?” Walking down the Marylebone Road last night at about 11.05pm, I passed a parking shop – a curiosity in itself – but their slogan was “Where would you like to park?” To which the answer might be “Well, Marylebone Road”, and the reply would be “Well, you can’t it’s a red route, and you’ll get towed away.” Honestly. Where would you like to park? I don’t bloody know, I’ve not driven there, yet. Idiots. What would you like deep-fried in vegetable oil? Have you considered shoes? What are you doing on Friday night? Fridge-freezers? Pardon?