I literally sped across town this morning, ably assisted by London Underground, in order to interview an A&R man at a certain major record label. I thought the appointment was at 12. I got there, he'd gone out and was coming back at 2. It was at about that point that I recalled that the appointment was in fact at 2. Which gave me 2 hours to kill in Kensal Rise. By which I don't mean I had 2 hours to slaughter an innocent local resident, I mean I had 2 hours to wander around aimlessly.

I used to live around that neck of the woods in 1990 when you could pay £35 a week to rent a room just off Ladbroke Grove. Nowadays you'd pay out at least £35 a week to people begging under the Westway to assuage your guilt at living just off Ladbroke Grove. I decided to go and look at the moored houseboats on the Grand Union Canal. I looked at 4 boats, all of whose owners looked back at me from inside the boat in much the same way as anyone would if you'd decided to go and peer inside their house. So I sat down on a wet bench and was immediately bothered by a crowd of assorted mongrels who were being walked by 2 women who clearly had no control over their charges. I don't really get on very well with dogs, not since the tree in their back garden started blocking the light from my window and they refused to cut it back… so I stood up and went into Sainsburys.

I bought a sandwich (egg) and a newspaper (egg Independent) and went to the counter, whereupon I heard the following exchange between Sainsburys employees:

Cashier #1: I've got a joke to tell you two, right.
Cashier #2: Yeah?
Cashier #3: Oh, go on then.
Cashier #1: Right, OK…. Hang on… Yep. Got it. OK. Why did the baker have brown hands?
Cashier #3: Baker… Brown hands….
Cashier #2: Oh, I know this one. Um… Is it cos he was like, making bread?
Cashier #3: No.. hang on. No, I don't know. Tell us.
Cashier #1: Let me serve this customer, so I'll keep you, you know, anticipated… That's £4.23.
Cashier #3: OK, is it cos the baker was burning his hands all the time? You know, when he was, like, baking the bread? Haha!
Cashier #1: No. I'll tell you. Ready? Ok. It was cos he kneaded the poo.
Cashier #2: Aaahhhh. [laughs] so, like, he needed a poo?
Cashier #1: No, you know, like he kneaded the poo?
Cashier #3: {unconvincing laughter] That is good.

Back at the major record label reception, an exceptionally well dressed black man and an impossibly beautiful black woman in a stunning outfit were being made to wait by the all-powerful record company. She stood up, smoothed her dress down and walked around, looking at the gold discs. He looked her up and down. “I 'ope you gonna be wearing somefink better than that, tonight,” he said. “OK,” she said meekly. “OK, I will.”