Yesterday I drove my girlfriend to Heathrow Terminal 3, in order for her to embark on a 10 hour flight in a westerly direction. She has flukily scored a press trip to go and “investigate” rum in the Caribbean, and this – rather fantastically – now gives me the opportunity to give my favourite joke an airing:

Me: My girlfriend has gone to the Caribbean.
Person B: Jamaica?
Me: Too right I did, I even drove her to the airport.

She rang me last night from Montego Bay – which, let’s face it, should be the opening line to a song, not least because loads of things rhyme with “bay”, including “hay”, and “nay”. But instead of trying to make up a song on the spot and completely wasting her time, I chose to sing to her Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen”, just to remind her where she was, as if she didn’t know, what with the cool blue water of Montego Bay lapping gently at her feet on the golden sands of, uh, Montego Bay. “Caribbean Queen”, I crooned, “now we’re sharing the same dream, and our hearts they beat as one – ” but before I could get to the bit about “electric eyes that you can’t ignore” – ouch – she pointed out that the call was exceedingly expensive, and she hung up. Fair enough.

The Misheard Lyrics page for Caribbean Queen is fairly interesting, if, like me, you’re trying to ignore an intray bulging with unrewarding tasks. “She brushed by me in painted on jeans” has been misconstrued as “She touched my knee and blamed it on James”, and who wouldn’t, to be honest, Jim’s a randy bastard. My favourite post, however, comes from someone who claims to have misheard the words “Caribbean Queen” as “I rebuke thee”. Pardon? Marvellous. I suppose it might be a comment on the loose morals of Billy Ocean, what with his Caribbean antics, then changing the song to “European Queen” so he could get it on with a lady from Austria or something, and then doing another song which urges hapless female pedestrians to get into his Ford Fiesta. I’m sure if I explored the Misheard Lyrics website even further, I would find that the same person has also rebuked the sexually provocative lyrics of Keith Sweat:

Lyrics:

Let’s take a shower, baby, you see the water is fine (Pass me the soap)
And I’ll wash your body and, baby, you’ll wash mine (Now it’s your turn)
Touch you, girl, in all the right places
And I wanna fill up all your, your empty spaces

Misheard:

I rebuke thee.

Public Service announcements

– If you’re between 18 and 21 and reading this, Sophie sticklebrick would like to hear from you.
– If you’re between 18 and 21 and reading this, I hope you understand that even though you might currently look like this, you will probably end up looking like this.