Trainer design is just preposterous, isn’t it? I was saying to someone the other day how wearing Dunlop Green Flash to school used to give fellow pupils carte blanche to give you a very hard time indeed, and sporting some Amber Flash was probably an even faster passport to punishment. But today, Dunlop find their shoes sought after, retro-stylee, while trainer companies stride even further down the route of making their shoes look like miniature racing cars. Look at the state of these:

Hilarious. If I got given a pair of these, my first question would be “where’s the ignition?” And the way they sell them to us is equally absurd. “A rearfoot 3D grid system, forefoot high rebound compound, dual density midsole, carbon composite bridge” – it’s the absolute parallel of cosmetics advertising, and I no more believe that these shoes will uplift my speed across the open ground of south west London any more than Elvive Nutrigloss will give my hair the power to dazzle them all (with 80% more radiance).

I wouldn’t have bothered saying any of this had I not been on the tube yesterday, and seen an advert for soccer footwear headed “Assemble your boot”. Not satisfied with getting one reference to a part of a modern motor car in the headline, they went yet further. “Choose the upper, chassis and studs to suit your game.”

Chassis. Try asking for something with a wider chassis, next time you’re in Foot Locker or Dolci’s. Oh, and if you do, please invite me along to watch.